Tuesday, April 25, 2017

Extra Credit for Your Ego (guest post)

Extra Credit for Your Ego
By Nate Regier

I’m so proud of my daughters and their fine academic achievements. They’ve mastered the art of extra credit. Sometimes one of them will score well over 100% on a test by taking advantage of the extra credit option. Smart!
Our egos also like getting extra credit. It’s called Rescuer-Based Helping.
I see someone else in need. Perhaps they are struggling to figure out an assignment, or express anxiety about a relationship in their life. The compassionate me knows that the best thing to do is offer support, don’t try to fix it, and provide assistance only if asked.
And my extra-credit ego can’t let opportunity pass. So I jump in with unsolicited advice. The way I go about it sends the message that other person would be better off if they appreciated how helpful and smart I am. If they play the game, my ego gets extra credit.
Here’s the dark side…my ego is so invested in getting that extra credit that if things don’t go well or the other person doesn’t appreciate or want my help, I throw a fit. Whether I verbalize it or not, my ego is yelling things like:
Hey, I was just trying to help.
Come on, you know it’s for your own good!
You’ll thank me later!

Symptoms of an Extra Credit Ego
My ego just can’t let it go. It has this obsessive need to be recognized and appreciated. You know your ego is seeking extra credit if you experience any of these symptoms.
  • Increase in anxiety or compulsion when people don’t listen or take your advice.
  • You easily turn against people and criticize them when they don’t take your advice.
  • You push yourself on people, even when they don’t seem to want it.
  • You convince yourself that you are doing it for their benefit.
Your ego doesn’t need extra credit to survive. It can earn a good grade through compassionate accountability.

Tips for Practicing Compassionate Helping
Disclose your motive
·         Before you try to help someone, identify why you are doing it. What was stirred inside you that compelled you to want to help? Why is it important for you to help and be helpful? Who is this about?
Ask permission
·         It’s OK to want to help, with permission. Non-consensual helping is all about ego seeking extra credit.
Let go and move on
·         Whether they accept your help or not, walk away without strings attached, no judgment of yourself or the other person. If you can’t let go and move on, your ego is seeking extra credit.

About Dr. Nate Regier
Dr. Nate Regier is the co-founding owner and chief executive officer of Next Element, a global advisory firm specializing in building cultures of compassionate accountability. A former practicing psychologist, Regier is an expert in social-emotional intelligence and leadership, positive conflict, mind-body-spirit health, neuropsychology, group dynamics, interpersonal and leadership communication, executive assessment and coaching, organizational development, team building and change management. An international adviser, he is a certified Leading Out of Drama master trainer, Process Communication Model® certifying master trainer and co-developer of Next Element’s Leading Out of Drama® training and coaching. Nate has published two books: Beyond Drama and his latest work, Conflict without Casualties.


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